I have not written anything so far, partly because I don’t have the time, but mostly because I can’t seem to put my thoughts into words,though I want to. But today, I have decided that this should change,for my aspirations to come true.
I am going to be fifteen in November.The past two years of my teens have been great and I thought I would write about the experience.
The transition period, when I was 11 and 12 years of age, saw me burst into tantrums. The frequency of these was alarming. For no reason, I used to be mad at everybody. But, after my anger had cooled down, I always used to feel very bad. Though I get angry now also, it is definitely better than those days.
After I turned 13,I started feeling inferior to everyone in my class. Though I was one of the top ranked students in case of academics(except math), I felt that I had no talent, that I was capable of only getting only good grades, which was not going to help me. I loved to read books and hated sports. Though I hated them, it bothered me that I was not able to perform in them like everybody. Everyone was good in at least one extracurricular activity, but I didn’t do well in any one of them:be it music, dance or art. My parents tried to make me feel better by saying that I had a beautiful brain, that I had the gift of language, my handwriting was excellent and i read books which half the people didn’t even know of. My father told me that writing and public speaking were also extracurricular,but I wasn’t ready to accept that. They tried their best, but I didn’t budge.
That was a turbulent period. I was always finding faults with myself, though teachers appreciated me.I was happy, but these thoughts kept on coming and disturbing me. I read inspirational stories, but they didn’t help me. And it was only me who was feeling like that. People who failed in every exam, seemed to be satisfied with themselves. When I tried explaining it to my friends, they laughed at me. They couldn’t understand how a girl who studied so well felt like that. I have wished many a times that I was just 12.
But I eventually found peace with myself, largely because of the continued support of my parents.I started being proud of my achievements. I became content after a long time.
Now for the lighter side. I have also enjoyed these two years greatly. The gossiping about girls and boys in class in my old school used be to superb fun. And when you knew for sure that a person had a crush, it used to be exciting. Even my friend had one, and we used to tease her a lot.I was never the person who started a rumour;in fact, I came to know of it only after it was “old news”.
I used to have mood swings, but I never had a crush on someone;I knew it was wrong,that this was not the age and all.I used to tell everything about these gossips to my mom and we used to have frank discussions on all this.
I have also started dreaming a lot about my future these days. We have planned that i would take up the humanities group in school and try for an English literature in Oxford(my father’s idea).From the time he mentioned it, I have been bewitched by Oxford. I have explored every nook and corner of their website, and have seen it millions of times.Even Google says that it is my “most visited website”.I have been day dreaming of Oxford every minute. I even know what ink I should write in for the entrance test!
I started searching for schools offering the subjects I wanted, and have visited so many school websites. I even tried to read the A level sociology textbook that day! But the problem is , as I said at first, I am just dreaming, which won’t help. So I have resolved to write something daily.
I really want to go to Oxford, but I am not very hopeful, because it is very very difficult to get there, and I doubt if my English is that good.I told my mother that I have only a 0.5 percent chance, that it was just a stupid dream, and we quarreled about it.
Another change I observe is that, I don’t feel like studying even a bit at home, especially math. I know to get good grades is very important for my ambition, but i am distracted easily. I am writing this with my books spread out before me.